The Secret Love of Zachary Hillander
by Willowstorm9
Summary: A journal entry of Zachary Hillander
1. Chapter 1

**My own musings should Zachary journal to be able to deal with his love of Karigan. All belong to Kristen Britain.**

**I may add chapters as they come to me. Should I, each chapter will be a journal entry.**

**Reviews always welcome.**

**Companion to The Proud Karigan G'ladheon.**

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In the darkness, I am free to let my fantasies run wild. It is my secret, my quiet place where stillness reigns. It is the one place where none can intrude and tell me how to live my life. It is my secret love.

It is here, that you are there. You are in front of me, reflecting the love I hold for you back at me. I rejoice in your gaze and in the smile that graces your beautiful lips. It is that smile that I long to see every day.

It is a smile full of love and life and it belongs solely to me. My happiness brims in the knowledge that it is I that causes that beautiful smile and your content countenance.

I long for the day to pass so that I can have you in my arms, holding you close to me as your mesmerizing voice murmurs your love for me. How I long to hear your voice your love for me even just once.

How I long to hear your voice say my name in familiarity as it portrays your annoyance at my begging to hear more, anything more. How clearly I can see your face as it deigns to begrudgingly accept my request and it makes me wild with happiness and joy.

But, I want to know you more. I want to know how your skin feels under my hand. I want my body to memorize every contour of your body as I pull you close to mine. I want your voice to be the first thing I hear in the morning and the last I hear at night. How I long to share the night with you.

And I do, as I lay in the stillness. This is my secret. My longing for you will never cease and my love grows for you daily.

Here in my secret place, I will never let you run from me, for you are wholly mine.

I may never be able to tell you how deep and steadfast my love for you is during the daylight, but I will confess my all encompassing love every night to you.

I love you with all that I am and more.


	2. Chapter 2

The wishes of my heart will never be fulfilled no matter how much I wish them to be.

While I am king and it seems I have unlimited power, I am actually a caged animal, desperate to break free and run free in the sunlight, but I cannot. This crown, the symbol of power is a lease, chaining me to the whims and wishes of others.

A simple wish like living among my own content people at home is denied me. I will no longer smell the sea or bask in the ocean sprays as the waves beat upon the rocks of the cliffs. No longer will I be able to enjoy the magnificent sunsets as they fall behind the horizon. Nor will I ever be able to choose my own bride.

I know the needs of the country must come before mine, but how I wish to set them aside and live for my own happiness. For once, I want to be greedy and put my needs first.

Alas, that is not to be, for the people, my people, must always come first.

But oh how I love you.


	3. Chapter 3

How can I love when I'm afraid? My heart beats faster whenever I think of you, standing alone. Each heart beat pulls me toward you and every second, brings us one step further apart.

I have died everyday, waiting for you to realize how much I love you. Time stands still whenever I look into your eyes and I afraid you won't see that I have loved for a thousand years.

Our love is not just for now. It has spanned the generations and will continue to live on long after our grandchildren have had lived their lives. Time has brought your heart back to me and I will cherish it into eternity.

We were meant to be together and I will not let the colors that you have brought into my life go. They bring my one step closer to you when you are not around.

I stand in front of you, with my heart in my eyes. Darling, do not be afraid. We were meant to be together just like were a thousand years ago and will be a thousand years from now.

AN - This song was inspired by Christina Perri's A Thousand Years


	4. Chapter 4

My heart cannot take much more of this. I love you so much that, if I did not have my duties to the realm, I know I would have perished. Such strength and power is there in my love for you.

It is that power that I am terrified of. It can destroy worlds and make them. There is no way to tell what it might to, but how I long to have it take me away. And youa long with me.

But you will only run from me. I suspect why you do, but it still saddens me that you do. I never want you to run from or when even hurt you. You are precious to me.

If only I could make you see that. There is an untamed stallion in you that can never be broken. It is this spirit that has swept my heart up and kept it captive for it is who you are.

I would never break you for there is a an untamed stallion in my spirit to match yours. I fear for that stallion. The very people he longs to help are bringing him to heel, but you can save him. And me

Please save me so that I might live and love you. I want to live to love you.


	5. Chapter 5

I want to see you be brave.

Nothing will hurt you, my love. I know you are brave to a fault for I have witnessed it for myself. If you would just believe. I need you to see that it is ok to be brave and let everything out.

You have a history of silence that has hurt both of us. Please see the pain that we are both in. If you are brave enough to see it. I know you are brave enough to accept my love and the love you have for me.

My proud Kari. I see you standing tall but I can see how much it weighs on you. I want to brush away your loneliness. I want to wipe away your frown and frustrations and place a beautiful smile that lights up your eyes.

I just wish I was as brave as you are. I want to take charge of my life so that I might be able to live it with you.

But you will run if I did.

For now, my love remains a secret and my bravery is held in reserve.


	6. Chapter 6

I often dream that you were mine and I could love you openly and without fear. It is my favorite dream of all.

There are times that I find myself daydreaming of how you would react to situations and comments, but most of all, I imagine being able to kiss your cheek and hear you mutter that you love me.

There are no walls between us and nothing hindering us from being happy. There are never frowns in my dreams. Just smiles and laughter. Most of all, love.

Ah love, how I wish my dreams were reality. How I love to gather you in my arms and feel your warmth against my body, loving me as I love you.

For now, until such a time that it can pass, I will live in my dreams. It is the only place I am happy. They only place were we are together.

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**A/N- Sorry for the long absence! Life has been crazy.**

**Thank you for the reviews! These chapters were meant to be out of order as if the pages were randomly found on the ground and someone is piecing them together as a scrap book. They span the first four books. I haven't the courage to do MS just yet. (The Zachary in my head is still very fragile and quiet.) Soon though! It will come. **


	7. Chapter 7

I feel trapped, cadged, backed into a corner because of those who think they know what is right for me and our beloved country. They claim to sow harmony when they sow the seeds of discord in my heart.

Can't they see how perfect you are? How amazing your deeds have been for our country? You have saved not only my life numerous times, but theirs as well. How I wish I could I repay you in any way.

But, you won't let me. You won't even deign to grace me with your presence so that I might see the sun again. Can you not see that you have become the sun in my dark and dreary world?

I want to tell you how much you light up my world just by being in the same room. I long to worship you with all that I am, for you gave me a reason to fight on.

You are my fighting spirit. Every deed of yours that I hear, renews me and urges me on. You are my inspiration and my hearts deepest desire.

For once, I wish to bask in your light and beauty, forsaking all. I want to burn in your sunlight for even just a moment, but all you leave me with, is the darkest winter.

How I wish I could love you, my Kari, but you will never be mine.


	8. Chapter 8

I know you want to forget me, but I can't let you. Your fire brings me back to life and I can't let that darkness get bigger.

I will sing of my love for you every day if it means you will never leave me. I miss you when you are gone from my sight. Though I sing of your praise now, I know it will never be enough for either of us.

My fight will continue on even while you are gone from me. I use the ache of your absence to propel me though the difficulty of every situation that arises.

But all this is for nothing. I have already lost you before I ever had you and it shatters my heart and my spirit.

The gulf has grown vast and perilous between us though I try to find a way to cross it, to make it back to you.

Do not let our love die. I cannot lose another person in my life. Not again. So many have left in this cold and unfeeling world and all I wish is for you to love me.

For your love is warmth.


	9. Chapter 9

I see you standing in the front lines, ready to lay your life down for our great nation and for me. Your hair blows in the win, defiant of those who dare to try to destroy our home.

I see the fierceness in your eyes. You will fight till your last breath so that others will not have to know the agony of war and live in peace.

But there will be no peace for me if you are gone from me. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make you see. You do not need to sacrifice yourself for me. Especially not you.

Those words and actions do not exist and never will. Your spirit was made to fight and defend. Nothing can stop you once you have made up your mind. Your determination is your greatest ally and my worst enemy.

I just wish you could see how my spirit longs to be one with yours. We could both fight together. I know that together, we can conquer anything, for you are my other half in every way.

Duty calls us in opposite directions, however, and you grow farther and farther from me each passing day.


End file.
